well, that was unexpected

All of the interesting stuff in Toronto seems to happen in an Italian neighbourhood retrofitted as the new club land du jour. At 4am.

It was supposed to be a quiet night in - no concrete plans to speak of. Hoped to head to bed early-ish, do a bit of work in the Wasteland. But I'm here. Isn't it fun when a gaggle of people you've never met in your life...following a pied piper, show up at your house un-announced? I know I can handle my own, but I also know when I'm outnumbered. I suppose my face showed the right amount of chagrin for them to realize they should not invite themselves inside. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset. It was just weird.

I'm somewhat easily put out of my comfort zone - it's easier to keep people at a remove. Like Jenn says on the IT Crowd: "I can't let you into my apartment, that's my special place!" Only worthy people may enter. It gets better though. The parties decide to branch off, go get pizza and come back. In the hubbub of all that it's decided that half will go to a house party and I take on the responsibility of walking a friend to a part of the neighbourhood where someone is waiting for him. I'm on my street now, so close to home and a man is motioning at me from a car - I take my headphones off. (Can't he see that I'm deeply contemplative of the material at hand?!) He asks me if I know where there's an after hours pub. I tell him I don't, he tries to engage me otherwise, I give limited answers and make off like I need to leave. He doesn't get it and I'm getting somewhat annoyed now but try to stay polite. He parks the car and gets out - accuses me of being a lesbian (because I have short hair?) and then says I don't want to give him my phone number because he's black.

I tell him trying to guilt me isn't going to work, he can't play that card. I leave.

What the hell?

SERIOUSLY? Where did you learn this approach, person I have never met in my entire life who's trying to pick me up on a side street at 4 in the morning? Do you really think I'm going to tell you anything?

Bewildering.

Sleep.

the literary version of a grunt

So hard

Why

Does this have to be so hard?

To have had

So much

To lose

To be given something that’ so easily

Taken away

The visceral draw

The perennial kiss

Or so you think

Until one decides

It’s not enough

They don’t want to try anymore

You’re not enough

It’s too hard

It hurts

It’s easier to leave

But not really

When they leave

You dissipate, even though it was your idea.

So you give up, because it‘s too hard. It’s too hard to try to find the yang to your ying.

Because your ying was never there

Not like the novels that tell you, that perfect one

The one who sees into your soul

And doesn’t mind that it’s a dragging on progressive psychedelic song

One that drags on forever – with twists and turns, complications, conflicts, fallacies

Hypocrites

They lie, they just want your passion, without matching it

Without ever thinking that perhaps this is the hardest thing you’ve ever done

Because you know the world, know its internal logic

Know that everything will work out

Except for this

And then you think

Perhaps I’m not destined for this, despite the fact that you don’t believe in destiny

Destiny is bullshit.

All that matters is the math, the equation that tells you – death is inevitable

Is it worth it? To search for that one? The one who is on the frequency you occupy?

Does this exist?

For some lucky ones.

Not you, though. Not you.

So you go to bed, and think about the only figments that haven’t disappointed.

They’re so far off, and it’s more comfortable that way.

Because if they fail….what will you do?

Haven’t gotten that far yet.

And then you think of the one who told you that the reason you want to be fluid is because you feel you can't have limits.

That happens to those without family. Without home.

How different it could all be, with such a small cartel of variables. The math – if only it would add up to your favour. But it never does…does it? Something always stands in the way. Then you wonder – is it yourself that stands in your own way?

What now?

You take it like a man, on the chin. No reaction. Pretend it’s fine. Find your armor.

Sow the screaming eagle patch onto your jacket. Steel yourself. Fasten your bindings, fix your helmet, fortify your scabs and scars. Think about the release. Race down the mountain.

Update your software. Upgrade the hardware. Fix your stock. Keep going. Don't look back ,just...keep going. Like clockwork.

It can be a lonely existence, being human. Laugh, cynically.