take my black soul alive in the fire that burns my skin

I have truly become nocturnal. All my best thoughts and ideas are happening at night. I feel at my sharpest at three in the morning while I listen to The Last Baron. Sitting outside in the backyard with the network waves coming through the walls of the house. Fulfilling a habit I have yet to succumb to. I realize that everything in my life feels like it has to be a specific way.

I realize that my output in terms of writing has increased. This might have to do with the fact that I've become addicted to micro blogging.

Ten minutes ago I was in my room trying to sleep - surrounded by the things that lull me. I realized it would never happen. Thoughts coursing through my brain - a million things that I wanted to write down that I can't remember now. Thinking about how great it would be if I could just plug my brain into something that would understand how to read it(my brain that is). To put into words the things that I conceptualize in the three or so pounds of grey matter up there. The ramblings of a twenty-four year old brain.

I guess it's the cliche existential crisis. Right on time. I'm struggling with my humanity. And I know it's completely and utterly narcissistic of me but I can't fucking help it. It's not that I don't appreciate being alive, and it's not that I want to surpass life and go on into another realm or some stupid shit like what Mike Sharpe is all about. No it's more just about the fact that I feel trapped in my mind. I can't elaborate on the things that really matter to me and make someone feel specifically exactly the same way that I do about ...well anything. It's a communications failure. I've been saying this over and over, but nobody will ever get something the same way that I do - nobody will perceive it, feel it, experience it - the way I do.

This bothers me so much. And it's all whiney, masturbatory garbage. I suppose this is why I get depressed from time to time. I wish I were fucking dumb and could stop over intellectualizing everything and being an asshole.

And then at the same time I feel that most people I know are standing staring at the world - and they don't see it. Everybody is so stuck in the daily grind - and this is where my selfishness comes in - I guess I just have too much time to think. I need to do something with myself that is more constructive.

This came out NOTHING like what I wanted to write about at ALL.