a quotidian kind of life...

My room looks pretty nice with just taper candles lit up - it's actually a decent source of light at odd times in the night - I have all these leftover candles from when I worked at the store, may as well use them.

I have been spending a lot of time in my backyard lately. Mostly at night. Remnants of the time I spent with E there. However now I'm alone, and it's not bad. Mostly I go out there to clear my head and focus, right before I come back and write or go to bed. I just sit there and watch the smoke swirl, it's mesmerizing in a morbid kind of way. Talking to JH today made me think about what I wanted in another person, and I realized I want someone kind of like me.

That's not what this is about though - this is about the fact that a couple of months ago I told H that I could completely see myself living my life alone - and be content. I still hold steadfast to the claim. Some of us are not meant to be with anyone, I doubt this is true about myself. Only time will tell. (this makes me smile at myself) Anyhow - at this point he thought I was just bitter and depressed about everything that happened with Niall - but I wasn't, I was being honest. I don't regret our time together - I learned a lot about myself as a person, and the time spent with him was a great way to withdraw from society and reflect upon things. The time came to come back though, and I guess I did.

I do think life would be great if I could just have my own place, stacks and stacks of books - a career that I loved and time to write and read. Oh, and a cherry on top would be a Great Dane - his name would be Sputnik. This is all I need to be happy about 99% of the time. (the crazy huge music library is implicit)