what am I without the bruises?

I'm kind of tired so I don't know that I'll actually get to finishing my thoughts but they're somewhat related to that last post. All of these incredibly disconnected characters who I seem to be attracted to - not sexually - just somehow, chemically, intellectually....in some way. Dexter Morgan, Alpha (from Dollhouse), Chigurh, Patrick Bateman. There is something inherently satisfying about the fact that they can separate human emotion from the daily grind of living. Granted they obviously have their own issues but there is something in them that lets them function at a higher efficiency than most of us, not being weighed down by several different types of emotion. And it's not that I want this - but I can relate to switching to some sort of autopilot mode and doing things systematically as if one were programmed. Having that separation is important to a person like me, because I am prone to near life threateningly dangerous levels of entwinement that leave me - at the end - in a place I do not like.

So I suppose what I like about these characters is the fact that they do not have to (or at least have not) experience that crushing defeat, that absolutely mind bending-ly tight vice like grip on the sternum that comes when you're out of comfortable depth.

One of the things I say or have said is that as of late I feel like Jon Osterman (y'know he asploded in the Watchmen and became naked blue guy*). Or that is to say I did. After that period in my life I felt as if my theoretical projected self had shattered. The me I knew was gone and suddenly who was left? Being prized apart from something...someone. Well, it was as if two trees had grown into each other and now somebody was tearing them apart, sawing them apart really - and it left gaping holes. And although it hurt like hell at the time we knew (I knew) that we were removing rotting pieces, pieces that were damaging a healthy organism so to speak. I just needed time to figure it out, and I pieced myself back together. I existed again, I exist. Obviously I did not do this alone: cough Karen cough.

So I suppose why I like these characters is because they have this divide. What they don't have is both sides of the spectrum. This is what I'm aiming for, full spectrum vision, hehehe. Getting entangled like that (which I have a propensity for doing) again....scares the living hell out of me. And at the same time it doesn't. Because a lot of what I took away from everything, a lot of the living and thinking I did - made me realize at least for the foreseeable future I know what I want, and I know myself a lot better.

Anyhow - during the end times I remember writing an email....and the more I think about it the more I know that even under all that stupid bullshit I knew what I wanted back then anyway. I may be one of the luckier people in life who is unapologetically optimistic about their future. I just know that I will lead the goddamn life I want to, when I want things I get them. Always. (Within reason) Some people aren't like this and feel they have to compensate - I do this in other areas of my life. But for me the most important thing at that point in my life -which remains the same now - is having someone to be around with me to partake in all of it. Does that make sense?

And that makes me a bit of a sap. But I grew up with a very dysfunctional family post immigration (true story), and the idea that my friends are the family I'm building is what matters to me most in life.

And in a way, perhaps he's right, perhaps my thorn is slowly working its way out.

*don't hurt me Alan Moore, I love you