no sense at all

Most of my life I've been told I'm above average by various people around me, and at the same time disparaged by the people who are closest to me.

Think about how confusing it is when a woman admits to the rest of her family (in front of her child) that her husband had "brainwashed" her into hating and mistreating her own child for the better part of said child's life (oh maybe 11 years) . Then think of the same woman telling her child that she, in fact, is her favourite child, and that she's brilliant - it's too late.

This is my life. Moved out at 18. Already too mind fucked - and now, mid 20's actually trying to change it somehow. And then this assclown of a psychiatrist stares at me in my session - completely blanching on me. Does he even notice that my voice has dropped several octaves and turned into a monotone since the last time I saw him? Oh sure, it's just the stress of not getting your homework done because you know...you're a lazy slob. Which to some extent is the truth.

I mean - you should see my room. It kind of looks like a tornado hit it. Various empty bottles and papers, clothing all over the floor - papers all over the desk. Garbage. At this point in the night I would venture so far as to call myself a rapidly cycling extremely high functioning manic depressive, but....having both manic and depressive symptoms at the same time. And it fucking blows. Wait...what was my point? Right, back to this session. I actually express interest in change. I mention that I don't want to be the person with excuses, I want to not feel anxiety towards my assignments. I don't want to hide in my bed with a horrible feeling in my stomach about an essay that I have to write - waiting until the last minute because I'd rather fail by default than have to admit that I may not be as genial as I'd like to think I am.

And he stares blankly. Because I've painted a picture of my catch-22 existence and he doesn't know what to say. I mean other than handing me a winning lottery ticket he can't really do anything to help me, or at least that's what his face implies.

I can't live with my mother and stepfather.

How does one tenderly imply the crimes against one's physical and emotional self without being un-cliché?

Without being judged for the ramifications thereof and the violent tendencies they yearn to display every now and again?

Why is it that I can function absolutely perfectly for 6-8 months out of a year and then do this for the rest? (You ignore it for as long as you can and try to push through and hope it goes away?)

Why do I feel like a complete fake when I sit in that chair, like it's an excuse to not do homework. So, the long and short of it is: I can't live with them because it's bad blood, because there is no longer any room for me, because living there makes me feel worse than not living? The yelling, the constant phone, the physical clenching of my entire body, dreading hearing someone calling my name for any reason. I lock my door. There is no choice for a person like me, I must keep living, that is all there is. So I live, but it's not like I can devote as much time as I should to the work that I'm doing to be able to pull myself out of this situation.

And so to not have to think about it - which is where my mind goes when I'm frustrated and anxious about a paper, or an assignment, or a reading - I....escape. Be it with Cedric and Omar, or Dr.Sheldon Cooper, or Steinbeck and Gibson. Because I desperately want to believe that somehow I can live in their world. Either the world of savants or literary figures. I told my shrink - "...it's not like there's some magical course you can take that hands you a publishing contract at the end." So I have no motivation for University. Maybe you're an idiot and have not realized by now that I have no motivation for life at the moment. I mean being an atheist means that this is all there is. I accept that. But it also means I'm consigned to a life of mediocrity and I'm finally starting to accept that. And it tastes like ear wax?

This is the perfect example. Skye was taking one of those random IQ tests online today - he keeps scoring in the 130's. Skye's kind of a genius. I didn't make it that high. I know it's an online test, I know IQ doesn't really mean anything these days anymore, but fucking hell I only scored in the 75th percentile and fucking cock it means I'm average. It means I'm about as smart as everyone else. My whole life has been predicated on the fact that I'm better than everybody else. And yes this makes me an asshole. This happens when you have an under developed sense of self worth but an overly inflated ego. You balance in weird ways. I do want to rationalize it however, by saying that to some extent I think everyone must feel this "being better than others" because otherwise how would we live? We all have to innately think that we're unique somehow otherwise how would this experience be worth it? What would make our life different and meaningful? Sure there are infinite variables in everybody's life but....we've been sociologically conditioned to all want the same thing: a social survival of the fittest translated through notoriety, elite-ness and financial status.

Or maybe I'm just really really really skewed on what my values are.

On one hand I want... I covet the beautiful things in life, they bring me joy. Seeing an R8 on the street makes me feel at one with the universe, or...you know however you want to translate that high/zen feeling. The way those fluid lines come together, the animalistic power and growl of the engine, the gleaming headlights. In a stupidly fetishistic way it completely turns me on.

And yet I get the same things from Gibson - something about the way he puts words together produces a natural reaction that is not unlike Oxycodone. Why wouldn't I want to ignore everything else in the entire world and devote all of my time to reading his books?

So today at around 3am I experienced this unusual thought. I'm not special, or different. I am going to be consigned to mediocrity and banality for the rest of my life - and even if I'm not...who's to say I'll be happy?

Which is strange because I specifically recall some really happy moments of my life today. I looked forward to going to my new job. I loved talking to Aviv on the phone, he multiplies my innate happiness. I laughed genuinely at a TV show.

But - if life means perpetual debt, strife, depression, and mediocrity, and never rising above the average....well for a moment I saw the rest of my life flashing before my eyes and it was....boring. And in that split second I thought of, and rejected, premature ending....because I'm not a complete idiot.

But I think I came to a bit of a revelation. Pristiq fucking blows goats, and maybe so does my psych.

Also - maybe I need to work harder and stop being such a whinging cunt*.

This post is probably gonna be hella embarrassing tomorrow, or you know....in a few years. Oh well.

*c/o Damien Pease

how uniform your beautiful is...

Walter, Karen and I were sitting on my rooftop yesterday with the sun smiling down on us--and this funny conversation started as a result of a book I'm reading for one of my essays. It's Abelard's "Dialogue of a Philosopher with a Jew and a Christian". It's one of those 10 page "summarize this" history class things. So far I'm really liking Abelard just because he's so out there and into himself. Reminds me a bit of me (you know -- the illusions of grandeur and whatnot). This is where I break the fourth wall a la Zach Morris and blatantly wink at you guys. The first thing that endeared me to him was his statement that all Jews are stupid and all Christians are insane. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going to write off two whole sects of people as stupid and insane, that would be bad, but you have to admit it's hysterically funny, especially for something that's being written in the 1100's.

So as I was reading this text out loud to them (sporadically when something funny hit me) we got onto a somewhat sensitive topic that is covered quite extensively in it. Circumcision. Weird. I know. It's funny what's acceptable in our society these days and we discussed how a majority of males in the U.S.A. are for a lack of a better word "cut". Then we discussed personal preference for our hypothetical children. Personally I think it's more aesthetically pleasing, but I'm not one to discriminate. Recalling an episode of Sex and the City (I know, I know) a lot of women are just more comfortable with a cut "member"*. Eventually we decided that it was a moot point until any of us had kids or different sexual partners, etc. Walter didn't really participate in that as he likes girls. I think he was overall just amused by the conversation but not really contributing, except to make funny remarks every now and again and fist bumping with me. That's kind of how we roll, but I digress...(hey TG).

So then I had work today - my first shift at the new job, and while I took the book with me I didn't really have time to read it, my break wasn't that long. I got home and promptly passed out in bed beside my laptop (it sleeps with me when there's no man in my bed, I'm a dork). Hey, when it takes you three hours to build a goddamned chair because of shoddy engineering or machining we can talk. Regardless, I woke up at around midnight and decided to go back to reading the book. And....we are still on the topic of circumcision. And it's funny. So let me tell you why!

I'm dating a sweet Jewish boy. I'm an atheist, probably on the scale of Richard Dawkins who I know is almost fundamentalist in his views, which I'm not, but I do (to a certain extent) agree that religion can be a form of child abuse. So back to my point - I'm reading this text and this jumpst out at me : "The Lord forbids us to marry pagans and above all those pagans whose land we possess, saying somewhere: Take care that you never join in friendship with the inhabitants of the land which may be your ruin. Neither shall you take their daughters as wives for your sons lest they make your sons commit fornication with their gods". I believe that's from Exodus. It doesn't matter, what matters is, my boyfriend should be worried b/c I might make him have sex with the Large Hadron Collider. Muah hah hah. I love namedropping that thing by the way.

Also this other quote jumped out at me, re: women in this day and age who prefer cut men. "For the sign of circumcision seems so abhorrent to the Gentiles that if we were to seek their women, the women would in no way give their consent, believing that the truncating of this member is the height of foulness, and detesting the divine sign of holiness as an idolatry." Interesting how that has changed so much in the past oh - thousand years or so.

That's all for now....I'll update if there's more interesting material, or who knows, maybe I'll post my eventual atrocious essay on here.

Now that would be a hoot.

*Abelard's text refers to it as such also.