why am I attracted to the emotionlessness in Dexter Morgan?

Sometimes I fail to see the beauty in this. I don't like it. Half the time I don't know what I'm doing but it doesn't matter. Why am I still awake? Why is your voice always like coming home...? What am I even talking about, I don't know. This is the time of night when everything jumbles into a big ball of intense detestation, defensiveness and resentment. My chemistry is altered but everything's manifesting itself physically. It feels like I can start over at the beginning of every week but it never happens. I just want it to be over already, to fast forward this part of life but it's not happening.

"So what's she like? Other than inferior?" he asked, knowing it would make me feel impossibly contra sub human.

You know we haven't spoken in... oh I don't know how long. Last time was when I was going to see Kaell at Manic. I didn't even want to say Merry Christmas. Our cold silence is atrophy-ing anything that ever existed in our collective spheres. I don't mind. I finally understand that my happiness is not tied up in your unhappiness. Hmmm - being petty will be missed. There's a really nice kind of smugness in it. I said it was strange, how we are strangers now, but how else could anything like this ever work? It couldn't, could it? Will I see you in the credits one day? I have to actively think about thinking about you. Will you fade? Be a distant half obscured memory at the end of my life? Will you register - in my mind - as I lay on my deathbed?

This human's existence is no longer necessary for the furthering of my goals. Struck off the chart, dropped off the line, discarded like a paltry pawn in a fucked up chess game.

And so I march to Harper Lewis, having regained my stride, the cascade of drums and bass swirling around me as my coat is flapping - hair tangling in the wind. A cinematic type of life. Sarcastically thinking "my sweet Clementine".

the ole pigskin

I said I would get around to this earlier and making my intent known to someone in particular kind of lit a fire under my ass in getting it done. It's kind of crazy when an idea strikes you in the middle of a subway ride amidst reading a book about pop culture, but hey.....ideas, you can't stop them. I'm just grateful I had a pen and my Moleskine. How's that for pretentious namedropping. Hells to the yi-zzo.

Anyhow - football. I've never been an overt fan because I've always thought it looked incredibly boring and the rules were too crazy or complex, or something - essentially not worth my time. It appears, more so now than ever, that this is a gross fallacy. As of late I've been more and more intrigued by this game. Why you ask? Well - I've been reading Chuck Klosterman's "Eating the Dinosaur" for one - and a significant portion of it is devoted to football and the strategy thereof. The history of how passing became legal thanks in part to Roosevelt (p 129), and how at some point in the lifespan of the game it "a few guys..." (albeit moronically) "even punted barefoot" (p 143). How crazy is that? But whatever, Klosterman's passion and knowledge about this sport makes it sound incredibly complex and interesting. Not that it isn't, I just can't say because I don't have enough first-hand knowledge and experience with it.

But here's why, especially for me, he makes it sound so damn interesting: He is one of the men in my life that is really into football. The other two that I know are a) my friend and former coworker Sage who is aptly named, and b) a crazy intellectually comical behemoth of a man who is an NYC dweller. Having been inundated with football talk from both of these men, one through hilarious outtakes at work (listening to him talk, learning the Daunte Culpepper dance - which kind of makes me think of Lego Minifigs) to the other's hilarious rants on twitter-slash-his re-cock-ulous blog. In a way I feel that I've been primed to become interested in this strategic game. These factors came together all of a sudden - they formed into an apex in my mind - waiting for that match to strike and kindle the bulb that goes off in a flash to make me realize that this game is actually incredibly intelligent - and as Klosterman frames it, progressive.

And that's where he hooked me: progressive. That word embodies so much scope within its lithe appearance. It was my irrefutable undoing and metaphorical and intellectual indoctrination into the world of football. Which is kind of hilarious when I think about how many times Klosterman literally takes time out of the book to write a paragraph about how people should not read the section on football if they're not interested in football. I'm glad I took the time - being somewhat obsessive about his writing - it would feel wrong not to read every word. It would feel like cheating, like I hadn't finished the book. But that's besides the point. There is such a passion there that I could not help but read every single thing he wrote - and the more I read the more I realized just how incredibly fascinating it could be to learn all the rules, to learn all the positioning, to muse in my down time about interesting plays that could be made. It would be a crazy undertaking, it would take up lots of time and brain-space, but I think I could do it. Maybe not at this particular moment, but eventually yes, I sort of really want to!

It is very exciting - to go from not thinking about a sport, or thinking of it with mild distaste, to actually realizing that it could be something amazing. I mean - I guess one of my first clues was the fact that this really really hot really really smart girl at my old work, Thea, was really into it. This girl is a genius, both her parents are doctors, and she's got her own consulting company and has finished some sort of crazy medical degree. That was my first sign. Then came all the rest. So....I guess...now it's only a matter of watching some games with some knowledgeable people. It's gonna be fun. I just know it.

untitled

I have writer's block.

This is what I was afraid of. So I'm going to write about how I can't write and why I feel this way.

Happiness doesn't agree with me. Or maybe not so much. I think my problem is that I still have issues with being happy on my own. When you throw another person into the mix it's hard to separate self-happiness and happiness that is caused by them. The last thing I want in my life is to be depending on someone else for it.

But what happens when your inner hunger for someone surpasses everything else? It's unhealthy and something that I still work on keeping at bay. The process is catalyzed by the fact that we are in the beginning-slash- honeymoon stage of everything - there are no issues, everything is perfect. It's as if you wanted to devour the other person alive and wear their skin. But again - this isn't healthy. "You're too intense to make an open relationship to work" - I'm too intense, period. My feelings sway me too much and I have to work really hard not to be overcome. This is why I have to shut off every now and again.

At the moment this is where I am. Being consumed by the flames. And it makes it really hard to concentrate on anything else.

It makes me feel weak. Like I can't handle it. And that's not what I want. I mean it is what I want, more than anything else in life. But it's a battle of my inner self between being consumed by the flame and being in control. If there's anything I hate, it's not being in control. How do I balance this? I suppose knowing that I need to is the first step.

And the last thing I want to do is clean my room at the moment - even though the dust Jackalopes are piling up.

And this is how I know that I still have issues with being depressed - part of me is thinking "meh, just sleep on a bare bed tonight because you know you don't care enough to actually do anything about it" - and this worries me. I should just make myself deal with it. Perhaps this a good direction towards recovery.

Smile.