I got a new book today. I already own a version of it - but this one was nicer. I didn't know that I would love it so much the first time around so I bought a cheap copy - and since we're reading it again for another class I wanted one that I was in love with visually as well. It's got the giant whale eye on the back cover - gorgeously illustrated.
The thing is, it didn't make me feel better about my day at all. Usually books do that, especially pretty ones. And then I realized that ever since around February my levels of contentment have been in steady decline. I don't know why. Perhaps it's all the drug switcheroo, maybe it's levels of stress getting out of hand - not knowing how to handle everything. Compartmentalization is key, but it's also hard. Have I said that before? I feel like I'm losing my perspicacity - and it might be the drugs I'm on right now.
I've noticed that my vision has been getting worse - and I've been slurring my words a little bit more. I'm worried that if it's not the drugs, it's me getting stupider. Getting older is starting to scare me.
I wake up at night having panic attacks about death. This has been happening since I was around twelve years old - but it's more frequent now.
Perhaps the bupropion is working by waking me up - but that's all it's doing, it's not helping me process information from an outsider's standpoint. So I'm left where I began - being too inside of myself to view things objectively. It's frustrating.
I've also felt homeless for a long time now. For the longest time my home was where Niall was. He was the family I chose (however unwisely) and there was comfort in that. After our end I spent time with Karen and then finally went back to my mother's house. But it didn't feel right, it felt transitory, I never fully unpacked. Then I moved in to my current apartment - but now I'm moving out because of an uncomfortable situation. I've moved so many times - it's really wearing me down. After this move I don't want to move for at least the next three years.
At the same time I feel like I'm waging a one man war against a fully stocked opposition. I've never faced a challenge in ideology like this before and I don't know if I have the strength to fight it at every step. I have the conviction but my drive is falling away. Compromise is one thing, but seeing a future where people wear you down is .....well it's defeatist in a sense, and it's me getting ahead of myself. But I honestly can't see any other way it would go down. I've never been a minority before. I've never had to contend with a large family. I miss the intimacy of conversation with Ron and Ada. Hell, I just miss them. I miss interesting political conversations over dinner - I miss being liked for my qualities, qualities they actually took the time to find out about. I've never had an exceptionally large family and after moving here it got even smaller. Technically I have a mother and a half brother. My stepfather never adopted me.
So I've learned to cope - I have friends who I consider family. My unwillingness to spend time around people who I haven't specifically chosen for that purpose is incredibly low to nonexistent. It's a learned behaviour. Why would I want to spend time around people who don't really know anything about me? Oh they know superficial surface stuff - where I go to school and what I study, but past that they don't seem interested. And that's fair - people have shit going on in their lives. At the same time - it was easier to imagine a future with people who cared about my opinion. And yes, again it's me getting ahead of myself - and that might seem stupid. But it's not out of any sort of romantic sensibility - it's practicality, perhaps it's my Darwinian imperative - my brain just does the math, automatically. I can't help it.
Which brings me to the conversation I've had with several people over the past two days - about how my theory is that money can basically solve for anything.
I haven't actually done the math yet on this one - it would need actual figures, but...it could work. A perfect scenario. Love is a relatively new concept in terms of people pairing off. It causes probably as many headaches as it does happiness. So what I proposed to my friend Walter is a situation (we had around six separate conversations that night). If one were to possess x amount of money they could do whatever they wanted. Provided that they weren't a complete asshole they would have close friends with whom they could spend time - this could be the backbone of their community. Obviously there would be family in the best case scenario, mother/father/sibling. So there would be conventional relationships to a certain point, but instead of seeking out a long term partner based on the concept of "love", if one had x amount of money, one could buy someone's time in order to fulfill their sexual desires. It wouldn't necessarily be a problem because money can buy you basically anything you want - it would just take a certain amount of time to find the right person. Once you frequented this person it could become a thing - in terms of physical needs. And it would have the potential to actually be better than a physical relationship based on the concept of "love". Why? Because. There would be an exchange of goods for money, and this is conducive to a person communicating more clearly exactly what they want.
Which I guess brings people to the decision over whether or not they consider prostitution to be morally wrong etc., but personally I don't really care. (I mean I care about the fact that there are studies that show that women who have been abused are more likely to become prostitutes, but that's a whole different conversation) If people want to have sex and don't have a partner, they can see a sex worker. Dan Savage would agree with me, he's kind of the king of that stuff.
Anyway, that being said, it takes the pressure off. Unconditional love is probably the best kind, and you're very hard pressed to find something like that from a romantic partner. I mean it might happen despite the fact that you're not conforming to society's standards etc., but you can be content even if it doesn't. And you can have kids if you want - adoption, or if you're a woman, insemination.....so it's all upsides.
Of course this is all hypothetical and mostly a thought experiment thing, don't go and start thinking that I'm a jaded and cynical near-25 year old who knows nothing about the world, because that's patronizing.
Kind of like the time I told my cousin Tom that I was an atheist and he was like "oh you'll get over that as you age"....yeah...thanks.
