untitled

I have writer's block.

This is what I was afraid of. So I'm going to write about how I can't write and why I feel this way.

Happiness doesn't agree with me. Or maybe not so much. I think my problem is that I still have issues with being happy on my own. When you throw another person into the mix it's hard to separate self-happiness and happiness that is caused by them. The last thing I want in my life is to be depending on someone else for it.

But what happens when your inner hunger for someone surpasses everything else? It's unhealthy and something that I still work on keeping at bay. The process is catalyzed by the fact that we are in the beginning-slash- honeymoon stage of everything - there are no issues, everything is perfect. It's as if you wanted to devour the other person alive and wear their skin. But again - this isn't healthy. "You're too intense to make an open relationship to work" - I'm too intense, period. My feelings sway me too much and I have to work really hard not to be overcome. This is why I have to shut off every now and again.

At the moment this is where I am. Being consumed by the flames. And it makes it really hard to concentrate on anything else.

It makes me feel weak. Like I can't handle it. And that's not what I want. I mean it is what I want, more than anything else in life. But it's a battle of my inner self between being consumed by the flame and being in control. If there's anything I hate, it's not being in control. How do I balance this? I suppose knowing that I need to is the first step.

And the last thing I want to do is clean my room at the moment - even though the dust Jackalopes are piling up.

And this is how I know that I still have issues with being depressed - part of me is thinking "meh, just sleep on a bare bed tonight because you know you don't care enough to actually do anything about it" - and this worries me. I should just make myself deal with it. Perhaps this a good direction towards recovery.

Smile.