what do you say?

To the man who pulled you into the light? When he cannot offer you more than what you have now. And another wonderful person comes into the picture, and this man who brought you back to life specifically tells you not to get involved with them?

How do you balance? What if this actually becomes something? How do I explain to H? My heart is absolutely in pieces over the thought of him thinking less of me for this thing I endeavor to take on.

let the wheels burn

Why the fuck is everybody flipping out over Michael Cera? People have been bumping into him on the street lately - here in Toronto, and it's getting kind of lame. He's just a kid who happens to be an actor, a funny one but it's not like he's Clint fucking Eastwood.

And another thing, if I get asked to make plans while I'm in the middle of work, it's going to take a while for me to answer, so why do you even bother asking if you are just going to change your plans five seconds later? Fucking THINK.

I had a really really good weekend. Semi philosophical discussions amidst cigarette smoke in my rainy backyard are treasured. The next day at work it was so much easier to just tune everything out and just let muscle memory take over and think about all the things we talked about, to muse with the concepts we went through. The fact that we stayed up all night and then went to bed at around nine in the morning helped the rest of the day go by in a strange kind of slower than normal yet still enjoyable haze.

falling from grace because I've been away too long

I keep meaning to update on what's been happing during my travels. At the same time I want it to sink in and and flesh out the finer details later, as I'm apt to do. I have all these snippets of feelings, reflections and nuances that catch up with me and they need to formulate themselves into concrete sequences before I want to commit them to a blank screen.

Today was my first day back at work, it still feels so surreal. I was walking over and it was awesome to smell that not quite spring but more like summer smell of the trees coming into their ripeness. I was walking down the street and the proximity of my house to the airport is miniscule - there's a good view of planes approaching YYZ (Pearson Airport) for landing. I kept thinking "that was me two days ago, up there watching the cars, and now I'm here...walking to work, just three days ago I was in England". It felt strange. Just like going to Prof's poetry reading/awards ceremony, I was sitting on the subway for the first time in a month or so, and it felt completely strange and wonderful at the same time. It's almost indescribable.

I was supposed to have plans tonight but they got quashed. It's just as well because I hadn't realized exactly how tired I was. I watched some terrible television and then decided to read more of the Warren Ellis book - I seem to be getting through stacks of reading lately, it's great! In between that though I took a turn and started watching videos of Mastodon on Letterman and other live performances of theirs. I recollect walking home from work tonight listening to them and thinking "man I really like music that has torque". I don't even know if that makes sense. Then there was a brief tangent about what a ridiculously sexy word torque is.

Back to the point though. So I was watching Mastodon videos and I realized how completely different they are from some of the other bands I like - performance wise. I mean both Mastodon and the Mars Volta are at least fractionally progressive rock bands, and they both take no issue with putting out concept albums, they have even collaborated, however I guess their paths do tend to diverge after that. Correct me if I'm wrong, right now I don't feel like going into all the differences between the bands - both do have great album art though. Sometimes I think my musical scope must seem limited, I mean I've liked the same two bands for almost ever and Mastodon is a pretty new addition.

Anyway, what I noticed about Mastodon in their videos and even retroactively to their concert last month is that they're very serious in their posturing on stage, they sort of just stand there and do it. They do get into it but in a very straight, stand up way. I'm not sure how to describe it. Conversely when Cedric and Omar and the rest of the guys in the Volta start playing they go absolutely crazy with it and dance - maybe it's because their music is inherently more danceable. Consider - the salsa and latino influences - that might be it. They get completely lost inside that world and their inhibitions disappear and they just express their music through their bodies. It's great - and they did this even when they were a post core band (Cedric and Omar originally) - At The Drive In - I would say that ATDI's music was overall less danceable than Mars Volta's music, but not lesser.

Oblivion - Mastodon (this song has been stuck in my head for a whole month)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6pZNlVOmeI

Tetragrammaton (live) - The Mars Volta (one of my favorite songs off Amputechture)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1T9eMKxjiLc&feature=related (around 1:31 is AMAZING, amongst other moments) Damn you Omar, damn you for your grace.

and part two (yes it's that long) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zykM-XOZIsY&NR=1

Which reminds me - Omar and Cedric dress so incredibly well. Why can't all men be this stylish, and while we're at it, uninhibited? This is also the first video/appearance where I realized that Omar was left handed....after five whole years. I feel so ignorant sometimes.

(Omar is the guitarist in the yellow shirt and black satin vest, Cedric is the singer)

Now I feel self conscious about my level of involvement in this stuff, but hey, it's what I love and what keeps me sane. Someone should pay me....

St.Pancras International

I'm sitting in some posh restaurant enjoying free wi-fi through the international railway station - checking things out pre - morning of train journey. I'm waiting for the tall androgynous woman to come and get my order but it looks like they're shutting the kitchen down. Maybe if she had you know- gotten to me on time and had some sort of proper way of categorizing the tables she would realize that I'm sitting here absolutely hungry for some overpriced food. But no she's wandering around the outside patio and nobody really cares that I'm taking up space.

It's my first night in a hostel and I don't know if I quite like it yet. Oh, she walked by and saw that I was sitting here, I wonder if she'll come back. Perhaps it's because I'm not sitting in the dining room - but there was no room there - or none that I was fond of.

YYZ to LGW

It was an uneventful journey, but a happy one. Brother dearest drove Mom and me to the airport - the adventure began. Flight was good - great service with Air Transat, the flight attendants were superbly wonderful and good looking so I was satisfied. The food so-so. In flight movies were "Marley and Me" and "Twilight" which I found quite amusing. Listened to Mastodon most of the way and then read the crappy girly magazines I bought while waiting to board earlier.

Got absolutely no sleep on the flight and was surprised by the fact that this is the second time I've flown to Europe where there was a seat between me and the next person that was unoccupied.

Arrived at Gatwick early - this airport has pretty bad signage. Made my way through customs and then picked up my teeny tiny bag that I fit my life into for a month and headed out. Found the train station and grabbed my prepaid ticket to Cambridge from a self service kiosk and was on my way. Bumped into a girl who was from U of T who was going to downtown London so we chatted a bit and took the train in together, there were two stops on the way. First was Croydon - home of Nestle UK. Next was Clapham Junction - in between the two stops, closer to Clapham I noticed that closer to the residential areas there was a whole section of abandoned soccer balls that had been lost over the fences that kept people off the train tracks. It made me smile. As the train made its way towards London I couldn't help but get excited, I could see the London Eye and the Gherkin building (thank you Sir Norman Foster). The London Underground was pretty intuitive and I had some help from some nice attendants on figuring out how that worked. Got on and made my way over to King's Cross and I hate to disappoint you Karen but I was in a hurry and couldn't get a picture of where platform 9 3/4 would be. Although I boarded my train at platform 9B - there's construction going on there. The livestock, more than anything, is making me excited. Yesterday there were cows in a field, just wandering around! It was great!

Of course Johan took me on an impromptu tour of Cambridge - it was fascinating. We went and got sandwiches at this incredibly clean place and then wandered around a bit - I demanded to know whether the UK had kleenex. We then had tea and scones - well Johan had tea - I had mineral water at a tea house, and then we wandered around some more. We snuck into some colleges and they're gorgeous. I don't think I displayed the amazement properly, mostly because I was tired and sick but somehow still going. I think I feel less of a tourist here possibly because everybody speaks English. Eventually we got back to the flat/dorm and I took a much needed shower and got less stinky. Then we hung out a bit and watched TV on the laptop and Johan got hungry again - my appetite is somewhat suppressed but it was the right idea to go out and eat. Had dinner at a place I think was called Dojo, asian fusion, so much food we both couldn't eat it all - we had underestimated the size of our dinner stomachs. Tried Asahi for the first time and it was quite delicious although I don't agree that it tastes too different from regular beer.

Wonder what the next few days will bring.

Sometimes...

The irony of what you say eludes you completely. You say you don't trust me - you were the one telling everyone that I was sabotaging your plans whilst I was really just going out to dinner with an old friend.

Why is it that we're only able to think straight when we're in a void? How can we grasp the entirety of the image when it's fragmented forever? This space-time paradigm.

argh

I just spent half an hour creating an account of the Mastodon show and the other strange happenings of the day - and they got lost in the vast randomness of the internet.
Will have to fix this in the morning - too tired now.