Wednesday, February 25, 2009

you and whose army?

I've been struggling for the past little while to rationalize some of my most recent behaviors to myself. Sleeping in late, not going to class, blowing off reading what I should be reading. Sometimes it just feels like I'm tired, but what I came to in my thinking pod (what I call my shower) is that maybe my inherent character flaw might be laziness. It's that or ADD. I feel so pulled in all directions by all the interesting content of the world at the moment. In this sense it might also be escapism. The annoying part is trying to figure out whether I'm this way because I'm actually *this way* or because I'm trying to escape what happened six months ago with N.
What I'd like to think is just that I'm an incredibly introverted person. When I went away on this amazing vacation with K et al. I had a lot of fun, but part of me always wanted to be alone, which is in no way a reflection on these people, just myself. One of the things I've taken away from my experience with N is that overwhelming sense of urgency to be by myself and be able to do what I want, all the time. This is possibly why I can't concentrate on other things. It makes me feel like a six year old child. My time management skills are all disappearing out the window. Why clean my room when I can be reading this great new history book I bought? Why do laundry when this great new show is on? Why go to school when all I really want to do is sleep? I need to iron this out.

1 comment:

karen said...

i feel the same way too, pretty frequently - not so much after the week with you girls (and none of us minded you escaping a little, we all need some space to breathe sometimes) but after spending time with my fam, i just need to hang in my apartment and see no one for a couple of days. makes me think of this ( http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch ) article.
but i think ADD when it comes to things is pretty common, too - mt trick is to reward myself with things i want to do after doing something i want to put off. sometimes that works. sometimes.