Actually when you really think about the lyrics of that song and how in the intro Mick Jagger sings about Pilate and the title of the song being "Sympathy for the Devil" well...I don't know if this is something that's really obvious to people who are overt Stones fans but it makes me think of The Master and Margarita by Bulgakov. It's got the devil, and Pilate. But I digress...
I said something today which has been echoing in my mind for a while now : It sucks when people don't see you, or don't see you as the person you know you are, or refuse to.
Part of the whole year and a bit I had to myself as a single person was figuring out who I was separate from anyone else, what I really wanted in life, etc. Obviously this is subject to change but I am the type of person that doesn't waver much, consistency is something I value a lot. Possibly because in my last relationship someone was very inconsistent.
So now having entered into something new knowing all I know, it's very hard for me to be sympathetic to someone who wavers in decision making. I always try to tell the truth - especially at the beginning of new situations and ....well...I try to represent myself the way I am in my regular every day life. None of this "best behaviour" bullshit. I mean obviously I fret over what I'm wearing a tiny bit more but....that's always me.
And that's the point I'm making with my statement. Hello, have you met me? Perhaps I should tell you again: I like having alone time, I love reading, I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about my hair, I'm superficial, I like men in tight pants, I stare at the Sartorialist's website hours on end, I think men's hair is important, I get uncomfortable if someone is wearing ugly shoes, appearance matters to me, I get theoretical erections over cars, airplanes and helicopters (sometimes guns), I am materialistic to a fault, I will cut my nose off to spite my face, I can be an asshole, I judge people quickly and harshly and find myself to be right most of the time. I am my own worst critic but I am also my own best champion. I can be incredibly narcissistic at times (eg. I wish I could clone myself in male form), and at times I revert to being a girl. I have no problem spending 200$ on a pair of pants or 3000$ on a computer.
But I love dogs, outdoorsy shit, rockclimbing, hanging out with my boys and buying them shots, working hard, and not taking myself (too) seriously, and if you gain my trust and friendship - barring some catastrophic event, I will always go to bat for you and defend you until my last breath. Kind of like a white knight, or that Rihanna song about the umbrella.
I also have several different plans for what to do when I finally graduate - considered the options and have given myself several possible routes to take. I know I want to have a house in Toronto (ginormous library a must), and an apartment in Vienna. I know that I want to write, but that it probably won't be my main profession if I choose to write novels, not at first. I know that whatever career I have (out of the ones I'm setting myself up for) I won't be compromising my fulfilment. I also know what kind of lifestyle I want to lead (and am leading), and I know what I need to do to support it. I want to be able to have the freedom to visit Europe more than once a year. I also want a dog (this could present a problem in terms of going to Europe more than once a year, but I've thought about it). I want to own a mid-engine car eventually, and I'm willing to sacrifice spawning offspring for a Veyron. (Although I think if I had "child" it would be the best looking smartest thing in the world, there's that narcissism for you)
I just...like things the way I like them...and I feel confused, betrayed, saddened and ....generally malaised when I find that someone has been not completely truthful with me. And not in one of those blatant lie kind of ways (although that too). I'm technically an adult. I can handle rough situations. If I have an issue that I need to discuss with someone I have already thought out the theoretical and practical sides and made contingencies for my contingencies, I look forward. I consider my options before I make a tactical strike. It's how I roll. So to have someone try to shoehorn me into being something I'm not, or adapt themselves (for whatever reason) into the image of what they think I want....well that's bad. Because it's ersatz, it's not real, and the facade will eventually slip, revealing a truth that may not be suitable - to any party.
And that makes people upset.
And then I get grumpy.
And you don't want that.
1 comment:
This mirrors my own philosophy very closely. It's very important to know what you want for sure, what you need to get it, and what your core values are and not compromise on those things. If you're with someone whose ideal Saturday is the opposite of yours, life is a giant compromise. Unless, that is, both people dream of solitary Saturdays. Then they've hit the jackpot.
Someone told me today about a couple who redid their home to reflect their values. They put in two soaker tubs, with a chess table in between them and a small wine fridge at arm's length. They were equally excited about this. It made my heart smile.
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