school and stuff

I feel so logey lately. I'm sitting in my chair in my mess of a room procrastinating, what else is new? Pizza's in the oven, beer's in my hand.

Yesterday I basically slept through the day, even though I had three classes, I was exhausted. I don't know what it is but it started mid-Sunday, I lost my chutzpah. I know it'll come back, I just have to fake it until then. I attempted to jump start this process by buying a new pair of running shoes, it helped a bit. This semester's going to be intense (how lame that I'm saying it halfway through the first month) but there's a lot of work to do and I've got no compunction to do it. It's not even that I don't want to read -- it's the physical act of opening a book.

You must be in shock, what? Barbara? Not open a book? That's fucked up!

Kind of, you see I know once I actually DO open a book I'll have to keep reading and reading and reading, and there's so much crap to get done. A response by Jan 31st, a major essay by Feb 1st, then an essay by Feb 8th. Oh, did I mention that I'm moving....again? Yeah, same day as my major essay is due. So perhaps my mind is trying to calibrate how I'm going to get all of this done in such a short amount of time. I'm not really working at the moment which could prove to be problematic somewhere near the end of February or possibly March. I'm not very concerned about the move this time around, I'm actually looking forward to it. For one thing, not being in the neighbourhood I grew up in will be nice. No more bumping into people from high school. Except for Alex, I bumped into him today on my walk and he seemed bummed (which was nice) that I wouldn't be around to pop into starbucks. My one regret is leaving Crema behind (my favourite coffee shop) but I've consoled myself with the idea that I'll get a bike and use it to get up there.

I look forward to having a kitchen basically all to myself and not having to hear people walking around, not having to make small talk. (Not that I don't like that) I just feel very insular at the moment. I'm taking in a whole lot more information than I ever have and I need a lot more down time to process it. Shit's getting kind of serious at school. Maybe I'm a bit scared of that. The fact that I have to get into grad school and the fear that I am not good/intelligent enough. I struggle with feeling like I don't translate so well on paper. I'm trying to rectify this -- it's not that easy. I get B's in school and I feel like a loser. Like I should do better. I don't apply myself as fully as I possibly could. Maybe I should, you know, go do that now then....

Ugh....Dickens.