So - what's new with me? Let's just say that I've been handling a very interesting dichotomy in the past few months. I started seeing someone new and it's been going extremely well. However, being the way that I am this can be...detrimental. Being diagnosed with major depressive disorder is no piece of fluff but I suppose this is where this story begins. Every now and again I feel really down. Incredibly, horribly, devastatingly down. So normally this is alleviated by me spending time with friends or reading or doing something. Being with someone again always makes me forget that I'm in this situation and that even though I'm on meds for it - it surfaces in different ways - my lack of ability to concentrate on schoolwork, my lack of ability to get up in the morning, etc. I have also noticed that I've had a hard time reading books lately - I've started maybe four of them and they're all half read and I just keep picking up new things. It's strange.
See I'm halfway through this post and all I want to do is go to McDonald's and have a burger - something about their food gets my endorphins going. Anyhow so - being with A is amazing, but sometimes I worry that it's too good and the comedown will be bad and I try to occupy myself with other things - namely not homework. So this is how I'm two weeks away from finishing this year with two overdue essays and one due in a week and a half. Obviously I'm a champion. I struggle with the notion of dropping out of school - it will never happen but it's such a temptation. I feel that I'm not cut out for institutional education. I want a program that caters to my strengths and subtly works out the kinks of my weaknesses. I need some sort of cognitive therapy to instil in me the homework habits that should have been drilled into me when I was young. (I was virtually ignored as a developing student by my parents, make that just plain IGNORED) And look at me - all I'm doing is placing blame, when it's really just me, I wish there was some sort of mental version of a slap in the face to get me going.
And then on top of that I've been not writing, at least not here, oh who am I kidding - I compose lengthy blog entries in my head but then I refuse to type them up because they're incredibly personal and explicit and people who read this will be like "ew, TMI" or something. Although I guess I could start another more anonymous blog for that. And I don't want to be all weak and mushy - although that's how I've been feeling these past few weeks.
I think the bottom line is that school might be depressing me. I'm gonna go out on a very very very narcissistic limb and just say that I'm too much of a renegade genius for institutional education. Yep.
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