take my black soul alive in the fire that burns my skin

I have truly become nocturnal. All my best thoughts and ideas are happening at night. I feel at my sharpest at three in the morning while I listen to The Last Baron. Sitting outside in the backyard with the network waves coming through the walls of the house. Fulfilling a habit I have yet to succumb to. I realize that everything in my life feels like it has to be a specific way.

I realize that my output in terms of writing has increased. This might have to do with the fact that I've become addicted to micro blogging.

Ten minutes ago I was in my room trying to sleep - surrounded by the things that lull me. I realized it would never happen. Thoughts coursing through my brain - a million things that I wanted to write down that I can't remember now. Thinking about how great it would be if I could just plug my brain into something that would understand how to read it(my brain that is). To put into words the things that I conceptualize in the three or so pounds of grey matter up there. The ramblings of a twenty-four year old brain.

I guess it's the cliche existential crisis. Right on time. I'm struggling with my humanity. And I know it's completely and utterly narcissistic of me but I can't fucking help it. It's not that I don't appreciate being alive, and it's not that I want to surpass life and go on into another realm or some stupid shit like what Mike Sharpe is all about. No it's more just about the fact that I feel trapped in my mind. I can't elaborate on the things that really matter to me and make someone feel specifically exactly the same way that I do about ...well anything. It's a communications failure. I've been saying this over and over, but nobody will ever get something the same way that I do - nobody will perceive it, feel it, experience it - the way I do.

This bothers me so much. And it's all whiney, masturbatory garbage. I suppose this is why I get depressed from time to time. I wish I were fucking dumb and could stop over intellectualizing everything and being an asshole.

And then at the same time I feel that most people I know are standing staring at the world - and they don't see it. Everybody is so stuck in the daily grind - and this is where my selfishness comes in - I guess I just have too much time to think. I need to do something with myself that is more constructive.

This came out NOTHING like what I wanted to write about at ALL.

dear silence

I think the reason I miss him is ... well, he made my life more exciting. At the moment, there are good parts, but mostly it's banal. It was as if even though there was downtime, there would be something to look forward to in the peripheries. I used to have to recreate this for myself when N and I faltered. Artificially weave together a series of events to take my mind off the current; take it day by day. But this stumble isn't anywhere near the catastrophic armageddon of N, and so it's more interesting to deal with. Most of the time it doesn't pop up. And then other times I just have longing for the companionship that let me laugh so much. Staying up all night talking about the stupid inanities of life in the backyard- things that may not have been meaningful to him - but were to me. The more I think of it as a social experiment and less as a quasi-relationship, the less it smarts.

So

Feeling pretty miserable for the past few days. Some stuff went down on Friday, and not just Friday night, but basically from the morning all the way through to around 3-4pm. The word clusterfuck has been smoothly integrated into my vocabulary and it is bouncing around and the longer I've been aware of it the more it bubbles to the surface of my social life and begs to be utilized.

I was able to counteract the misery for one night with whiskey and vodka, and I don't even remember the night after. However last night was just horrible. I was alone, had nobody to talk to, and felt like I couldn't ask for anything, just take. I sat there and thought about how it would be stupid to just revert to the state that I've been working myself out of for the past ten months and decided that if I was going to be miserable - I should do it in style. So I went out and got a pint of Haagen Dasz and called it a night. It helped. Or maybe it was the endorphins from the walking. I got home and I ate the whole fucking thing (over several hours), and I felt gross, but at the same time, amazing. Then I put on some De Facto and listened to every single song on both CD's that I own. I got to Rodche Defects on Megaton Shotblast, and it was like something in me snapped into place.

http://www.imeem.com/choriso/music/QDJbhbxX/defacto-rodche-defects/

Honestly, I don't even want to describe it (the track), but for some reason it hit me in the most resonant places in the core of my being. It just felt that good. And suddenly everything was fine, and everything was going to be fine. I had that feeling of being somewhere you'd never been. As if I were remembering nightfall over a desert backyard in El Paso, string lights and torches, sun setting, people sitting around picnic tables, music piping in over a tinny radio and maybe one or two people getting up to dance. I could smell the earthy red dirt of the surroundings. Life made sense again.

And why..

Is my first impulse always to run away to another country? To the point where I'm looking up tickets to Paris and fingering the VISA?

I actually....

Lost my cool at work today. I hate it when I let personal shit interfere with work. I made a mistake. I hate being weak.

I love these....

stupid brainwaves I get every now and again. Like this conversation with Mashley about how she wishes Robert Pattinson existed multiple times. I shall copy and paste.... And yes I know I'm brilliant you don't need to tell me.

Ashley R-Patz clones mmm :)

9 minutes ago · Comment · Like · See Wall-to-Wall

Barbara at 1:41am July 14

As soon as we have all the chemical sequencing figured out we'll be going ahead and replicating the first several prototypes. Batch improvements in the hair quality have been made and subjects are responding well to the speech pattern programing, several accents are available, the original R-Patz and the Edward Cullen version as well. Initial Public Offering will be happening sometime soon, so the company will be open to shareholders. I can't wait to be richer than fucking Google. I would say "richer than astronauts" but astronauts these days aren't rich anymore...unless they do Tang product placements (as Neil says).
But yes, clones, soon.

today was just...

An absolute clusterfuck. Got there late, time sped up, orders were flying, everything was in a disarray. Several orders came in wrong or went out wrong, all of them because people ordered wrong *of course* because they don't bother to ask questions, or if they do, they ask stupid ones. Several scalds and cuts later I lost my shit on a container that just wouldn't close. Stood there beside Albert and just launched a stream of expletives from my mouth, something like "fucking dick fuck, fucking fuck fuck fucking FUCK". And he replies with the standard "you've got a dirty mouth Bar, I like it!" Which, you know, makes me feel a bit better. One of these days, I swear to god I'm going to lose it on a fat woman who wants something else that makes me walk into the back. "Why didn't you ask for that when I went to RETRIEVE your order you FAT FUCKING COW?".

Sigh. That would feel amazing.

The worst thing is when I'm off for some reason and I make a mistake myself. Then I just feel even worse because I know Calvin's ticked and I beat myself up about it. Thankfully today was not that day. I spent the remainder of my time considering what self destructive activity I could take part in when I got home, but I don't really have any vices. I think I'm going to go do some work on my vintage bike. Yeah, that'll make me feel better.