dear silence

I think the reason I miss him is ... well, he made my life more exciting. At the moment, there are good parts, but mostly it's banal. It was as if even though there was downtime, there would be something to look forward to in the peripheries. I used to have to recreate this for myself when N and I faltered. Artificially weave together a series of events to take my mind off the current; take it day by day. But this stumble isn't anywhere near the catastrophic armageddon of N, and so it's more interesting to deal with. Most of the time it doesn't pop up. And then other times I just have longing for the companionship that let me laugh so much. Staying up all night talking about the stupid inanities of life in the backyard- things that may not have been meaningful to him - but were to me. The more I think of it as a social experiment and less as a quasi-relationship, the less it smarts.