I've been off my meds. I hate admitting that I'm on something because I'm the last person who likes to admit weakness - which is funny because when I went to drop off my new med prescription I asked for some literature about the new stuff my doctor prescribed and this is what was written mid-page:
"Depression is caused by a combination of biochemical, genetic and environmental factors. It is in no way a sign of weakness".
As if Shoppers Drug Mart people were literally reading my mind. In October it was a year since I started on, well...whatever it was I was taking. It was great - I was able to step away from a situation and examine it without getting entangled, it also made me incredibly somnolent. So sleepy was I that I ended up missing a lot of school and a lot of life.
I recognize that there's more going on behind the curtain of my grey matter but it's just easier to ignore it when I'm trying to get through school. However there is overspill every now and again and it can get really messy. Especially in between doses - this has never happened before. So I don't know if I'm feeling like this because of an environmental factor, ie. something that's happened in the past week or so to set me off, or if it's overspill from the harrowing adventure of Bar&Niall, or if this is just how I always am.
I don't remember. What I am remembering is the anger. I used to be a really angry little kid - slamming doors to the point where hinges would break off. I do not for the life of me understand why I was that angry. Okay yes I do - but it seems like a bit of overkill for the situation I was in (which I'm not going to talk about because it's really not that big a deal and would be a meandering digression). As I got older though, specifically when I entered the age of part time jobs etc., I became inherently frustrated with people I found to be below an intelligence frequency that I was broadcasting on. I don't know if people in general frustrate me, or if it's people and their stupidity. When I worked at Pier1 with Karen, sometimes I would come upstairs from the stockroom and she would remark about how she could "totally see the cartoon steam coming from your ears".
I asked for the meds, which was after the end of Bar&Niall and at a point in my life where I knew I needed to get through school come hell or high water, I felt assuaged. Things were suddenly easier. I became a nicer person. I became really laid back. I wasn't as angry with the idiots that I worked for, or the idiots who worked for me (some of them), they maybe even began to not seem like idiots. I started talking to strangers more - when I felt it was socially appropriate.
And it feels like all of this somehow came to a halt on Saturday night, about a week or week and a half after going off the meds. I was grumpy, I had to keep reminding myself not to be a jerk to people, I had to compartmentalize and try to be nice, and it was really hard, for the first time in a long time. I decided to talk as little as possible for the rest of the night at work.
And this freaks me out, because I don't want to be that person. So I've decided not to be, I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'll let you know how it's going every now and again.
But don't be afraid if the really angry version pops out once in a while. She has feelings too.
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